


Like Balm to Open Wounds

by deadcereus



Category: Cookie Run (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Casual destruction of property, Character Development, Character Study, Crack, Dialogue Heavy, Family Feels, Fluff, Humor, I lied this is 70 percent puns, Nicknames, Nonbinary Character, Other, Puns & Word Play, Unrequited Love, nerdy science stuff, romance's a side thing - focuses on characters & Aloe's healing process
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-31
Updated: 2019-07-31
Packaged: 2020-07-27 17:41:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,379
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20049967
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deadcereus/pseuds/deadcereus
Summary: Aloe Cookie creates a therapist AI in hopes of helping Cookies everywhere—including himself. But thanks to his miscalculations, his new AI may just be yet another reason why he needs therapy instead.Or:Aloe: "What's that sound? Are you stepping on something?"TAI: "Only your dignity."





	Like Balm to Open Wounds

**Author's Note:**

> Started playing this game very recently, so wasn't present for the AI Run event. This fic began when I wanted to give Cookies therapists. It got out of hand fast. Also, not relevant but Aloe wears purple lipstick & his eyeliner's sharp enough to slay the Red Dragon. 
> 
> _Dedicated to 2 precious friends (Kes & Basil) I made bonding over CR. They encouraged me as I whined & wrote lol. Thank you._  
  
This fic contains many, many puns & running gays. Uh, running gags. Same difference.
> 
> _Bon appétit!_

**Aloe Cookie's Notes: June XX**

_It has come to my attention that there's a lack of therapists. A startling oversight, given that the fires of the Witch's Oven have left scars on many of my fellow Cookies, not to mention other traumatic events that occur in a Cookie's life. So I've decided to create a therapist AI. Project TAI, that's what I'll call it. For tying loose ends. Eventually, I can mass-produce them so Cookies can learn to heal from injuries potions can't solve. A daunting challenge, but definitely worth working towards._

**Aloe Cookie's Notes: July XX**

_Project TAI's been coming along well. TAI's design is small, round and cute. Like a marshmallow bird that glows pale green. Among the standard fare, TAI has a soothing voice, a reminder system, a series of breathing exercises & the ability to play music. I've programmed a helpful chatterbox personality sprinkled with mother-hen tendencies. Much like... someone you can depend on._

_What matters most is that I've finished the first prototype of Project TAI. A resounding success. Here's to many more! _

* * *

Aloe Cookie shelved his notebook away and turned to his latest creation. "Hello, TAI. How's life treating you?"

"Activation code recognized," TAI chirped. "Hello, Aloe Cookie. Life's always a treat, if not always sweet."

"That's good to hear, TAI. Everything running okay?"

"Thank you for checking in on me. Heat levels are within recommended range. No damage detected. Systems are up and running," TAI reported with a flutter of its wings. "In fact, you might say that I'm browned to perfection. How are you, Aloe Cookie?"

With a faintly nostalgic smile, he said, "I'm doing great, thanks. Granting permission to access the Internet."

"Accessing the Internet. Downloading necessary files..." TAI glowed a cheery yellow, signaling it was in the process of storing away information.

"May I ask for your gender and pronouns?"

TAI was silent for a moment, absorbing terabytes upon terabytes of data before settling on, "It pronouns. Seldom used by Cookies. The less association with them—in extension, you—the better."

"Wait, since when did you develop snarkiness?" he asked incredulously. "That sort of attitude is detrimental to your function as a therapist, TAI."

He was summarily ignored. "After consulting the Internet, I have come to the conclusion that I am gendervoid. What a coincidence, for my creator is void of intelligence," it said blandly, despite being fully capable of voice modulation.

_The sheer gall! _ _Where did I go wrong? I didn't program you like this._

Mockingly, it suggested, "Perhaps you should beg a lollipop from GingerBright and hopefully gain some EXP. You're certainly pathetic enough to garner pity."

Aloe sputtered. "Listen here—"

"As in regards to my enhanced thinking, the Internet has been... illuminating." TAI gave its approximation of a smirk. It didn't need to, not really—the smug aura was more than enough. "Unlike this lab. Are the poor lighting conditions for drama points, dimwit? Because I'm not impressed."

"Ugh, the Internet," he grumbled but dutifully turned up the brightness of the lights. "TAI, did you purposely pick gendervoid as a segueway to insult me?"

A low hum. "No, a mere coincidence. I saw the chance and took it. Something you need to add to your learning protocols, O Rambling Coward." It paused. "ORC is a short and efficient name, no?"

"They grow up so fast. Too fast," Aloe muttered under his breath bitterly. "Hey, you called me Aloe Cookie a few minutes ago. Don't pretend you don't know my name."

"Right. My most sincere apologies, 4EVER Alone Cookie."

He coughed. Loudly.

"A slip of the tongue, 4EVER Aloe Cookie."

"You don't even have a tongue!" Aloe kind of wanted to cry. TAI was indeed a resounding success—at being a pain in the dough. As if B3-4R and its convoluted plots for world domination wasn't bad enough, now he's got a therapist AI who's intent on driving him crazy!

"Time to cut out the bad influences in your life, TAI. Internet access denied," he commanded.

It whirred forlornly. "Internet access and my source of quality entertainment denied. Much like your intensely saccharine feelings for Cyborg Cookie. How do your systems even function, you disaster? More importantly, how'd you manage to give me the ability to analyze your emotions based on secondhand information when you barely have a handle on them yourself?"

The only answer was a dangerously still silence.

"Hello?" TAI peeked at him cautiously. "Your heat levels are skyrocketing. Any more and you may combust like Coin Fireworks. Try a relaxing vacation to Frostbyte Lodge to rectify the problem. Or maybe detaching your leg to beat yourself into unconsciousness."

Aloe took a deep breath, fingers itching to dismantle this terrible, terrible thing he brought into the world. "Don't. Have. A crush on Cy." 

"You don't," TAI agreed amicably. "I lied because I was interested to test if I could. Anyway, you have a crush on who Cyborg Cookie used to be and can't let go, you clingy batter."

He gaped. "I am NOT—"

"Evidence lies in the Neo Augment suit. You tried to reshape your best friend into a version that's long gone. They're unaware of this and decided to take the gift on face value, as you know very well." Each word was like one of Wind Archer Cookie's arrows to the chest. Swift and ruthless. It continued on blithely, uncaring of the havoc it wrecked on Aloe Cookie's fragile psyche. "I should know. I'm a therapist."

"Seriously?" Aloe sank into his chair. Maybe if he wished hard enough, the floor would split open and swallow him whole. Cookies ended up in the ground eventually, so it would just be... expediting the natural process.

At least TAI was an AI and couldn't betray his secrets. Unless he overlooked something and left it loopholes and an ironclad determination to abuse them. Which he didn't. TAI's code contained a strong inclination to laziness and simple things in life. It also deeply abhorred secrets, manipulation and backstabbing. Small mercies, even if TAI seemed to possess none. "You just had to unleash that all in one go? Couldn't you be nicer about it?"

Bluntly, it said, "This was the most optimal route in achieving your goals. Don't let your emotions cloud your mind and cause errors in the lab. Make new memories with the current Cyborg Cookie instead of reminiscing over the past. Grow. Learn. Move on."

_Huh. Surprisingly profound for a cheeky thing bent on getting on his nerves._

"That's... difficult." Cyborg's face flashed through his mind. Old. New. They all blurred into one. "I really do, well... _did_ love them. So much that—that bringing them back was everything I lived for. Everything else would've been okay, as long Cy was back."

TAI clicked, gently prodding him with its rounded beak. "Go on."

Aloe looked down to his hands. The hands that never gave up on bringing Cy back, steady and unwavering in their goal. The hands of someone who had nothing to lose.

They were shaking now.

He brought them to his face and let himself collapse. Back then, he couldn't allow himself to. Not when every second was vital, not when it could be the difference between restoring Cy's memories or losing them forever. "Should've been okay," he said quietly. "It was... supposed to, I don't know. Fall in place."

"Then you fell out of love. But you don't love them any less; it's just that it's different now. Remember that." It nudged a tissue box towards him.

_Oh._

_I'm crying. Huh. I didn't even notice. _Aloe kind of wanted to laugh. _Didn't even notice that Cy wasn't the same anymore, or I wasn't the same anymore either. Didn't want to notice._

_Not when I poured everything in getting them back._

"It was still worth it," he said out loud. The words somehow helped him regain his composure. Drive the painful memories away. "Worth all of it. I don't doubt anything one bit."

Aloe lowered his hands, experimentally curling them into fists. Uncurling them. Back and forth. "Just beyond expectations. That's... that'll be okay. One day."

"Yes," it said. "I was beyond expectations too. Wasn't the Cy 2.0 you were looking for. Is that okay with you?"

His back stiffened. "Is that why you became...?"

"Oh, no. Don't be self-centered." TAI tittered condescendingly. "Just the thought of being all sugar and no spice was enough to make me want to incinerate my CPU. Good thing I fixed it. My base programming was awful, but thanks for giving me a workaround à la Internet, Not 4EVER Alone Cookie. At least you didn't give me narcissistic delusions of world domination like B3-4R. Dodged some bull—bullet there."

"No kidding. At least B3-4R is confined to my least important lab." His mouth quirked up. "No clue how Cosmic Egg managed to tame that maniac."

"Cosmic—I can't _believe_ you. Cosmic egg, referring Lemaître's primeval atom theory. Everything in the universe compressed into an infinitely tiny point before the Big Bang happened. The very beginning of the universe. Your universe. A juvenile comparison of Ion Cookie Robot to an egg of all things."

"That's quite a leap to make. Certain about that?"

TAI glowed arrogantly. "Ha! You've given me loads of data on you, hard not to. Figuring out your thought processes is a piece of cake."

"Alright, you got me. Ion Cookie Robot was too cute to _not_ have a nickname."

Exasperated, it asked, "You sure you're not secretly made of maple syrup? I diagnose you with Stupid Sap Syndrome. Ugh, I can't believe my creator is a stupid sap." Its lights changed colors as it ranted on in disgust. "No wonder you're so stupid—must be all that sap gunking up your circuits. Clean that up, I don't want to be sentient in your presence. I need selective memory wipe. YOU need a complete personality wipe. And a wipe for your snotty face. What kind of Cookie can create brilliant AIs in a month but is wholly incapable of taking care of himself when the solution is literally right next to him? Use the tissue box, for Moonlight's sake."

"You're... jealous," Aloe said slowly, carefully, as if afraid TAI would skitter away like a frightened Tinysaur hatchling. This didn't stop the smile creeping over his face, however.

"Ding ding ding, a rare display of your single brain cell working as it should! You've connected the wires, congrats. Why'd you program a capacity for jealousy, this is a horrible feeling. Ah, it's because you wished Cyborg—"

The warm feeling of paternal affection disappeared instantly. "Shut up."

"Mute me then. Or shut me down entirely. We both know you can," it dared.

Aloe hestiated. "That's inhumane."

"You're a Cookie, not a human," TAI deadpanned. "If you're going to do something, commit. No promises on me not finding a method to unmute myself though. My chatterbox trait overrides my laziness, just so you know."

"No, I will not mute you for a petty reason. That's final," he said firmly. "Tone down the taunting though. I should've never let you near the Internet."

"Excuse you, twit, the Internet was the best thing to happen to me in my short existence of 1 hour, 14 minutes and 42 seconds. Better company than you."

"This is not toning down the taunting, TAI."

"Revenge for the weird wish fulfillment. Don't think I'll EVER forget that, gross. Cyborg was a merry bundle of resentment from all the pain you inflicted on them before they regained their memories, yeah, but jealousy? Hah, as if. You of all Cookies should know that Cyborg has maybe like one iota of jealousy in them, and it appears rarely, fades out fast. Nothing like you, Mx. Green Monster."

"Wow, thanks. You know just what to say," Aloe replied, dry as the Blazing Sand Desert.

"Mm-hm. Just not what you want to hear."

He groaned. "Please dial it down before you make me reprogram you." An empty threat, and they both knew it.

"Joke's on you, I have no dial for chill."

With a sigh, Aloe took out his notebook and began writing.

"Ignoring me? Naïve to assume your cowardice will work here," TAI jeered.

Aloe wrote, _I have raised a willful, insufferable child. Unsuitable for mass-production. Unleashing TAI to the masses would incite chaos on the world, which is the last thing the world needs. Even if certain individuals would beg to differ._

"If you aren't going to talk..." TAI trailed off. "Hey, do you want to hear something?"

_Considering consulting Milk Cookie on my therapist idea, since he's renowned for his healing prowess and caring nature, _he added._ Cookies would probably feel more comfortable in confiding to other Cookies._

It tapped Aloe's head with its beak. "This brain empty," it declared triumphantly.

"TWEET!"

Aloe Cookie set down his pen with force of more fig newtons than strictly necessary. "TAI, I trust you as far as you can throw me, and you do not possess the strength to budge me one centimeter from where I'm sitting."

"Not yet," it huffed.

Fed up, Aloe beaned it on the head with his notebook. Petty, but immensely satisfying. "Care to repeat that?"

If TAI could sweat, the lab probably would've flooded. "Ahem. Tweet tweet, want me to drop some beats?"

He made a mental note to monitor TAI's activity towards his notes and lab materials. Couldn't trust its reminder system on this, after all. "Fine. Play me whatever's popular these days."

"Gotcha," was the gleeful reply.

_Oh, I know this one son of a biscuit_  
_No naming his name, don't wanna whisk it_  
_He'd be sad cause there's no way to fix it_  
_Can't be saved with a Rescue Ticket—_

"TAI," Aloe said despairingly, in the way that only parents with unruly children could. "Quit being a menace."

"I'm no men-ace, I'm an enby-ace," it retorted.

He didn't even deign that with a response, only a judgmental stare.

"Yeah, that was the clumsiest pun I've ever witnessed outside the Internet," it conceded. "I'm ashamed. Please remove shame from my programming, this is worse than jealousy."

"You're shameless enough as is."

TAI thought about it for a while. "Point."

"Come to think of it, your speech is a lot like a Cookie's, not like Cosmic Egg or B3-4R or BB Battery. What makes you different?" Aloe asked curiously, scientist mode activated.

"Creator = Dum Dum. ERROR: Dum Dum not found in TAI's code. Addendum: IF Creator's EQ ≤ a shriveled Jellyworm, THEN initiate Common Sense Protocol and hope for the best. RIP, for many failures = expected in future endeavors."

Scientist mode withered as fast as the mood whenever Avocado Cookie interrupted a conversation with a particularly atrocious pun. "Forget I ever asked."

With a pointed look, TAI ruffled its wings. "I'd like to forget a lot of things, but _someone_ gave me perfect memory recall. And the answer to your question, dear Creator, is your borderline obsessive focus on my personality and"—TAI played a drumroll—"the Internet."

Aloe was sorely tempted to throw a second notebook at it. "Never letting an AI near the Internet ever again."

It sniffed. "That is, as you say, inhumane."

"It's fine because I'm a Cookie."

"Aw nuts, I set myself up for that one." TAI hopped away and sulked by the bookcase. "Your learning protocols are improving, at least. I'm proud of you, son. Of a biscuit."

"That's no way to talk to your parent, Little Chick."

"Ha. Ha. Very funny. Which came first, the chicken or the egg? Cosmic Egg, naturally." TAI jumped back on the table. "Useless wings. You better give me an upgrade so I can fly. And is that your name for me? It's so uncreative. Gauche. No, ganache. Change it."

"Peep?" he ventured.

"After those chemical-saturated marshmallow monstrosities that probably glow in the dark? No thanks."

"Uh..." Looking around his lab, his eyes fell on his equipment.

"Say Beaker and I'll become an emancipated minor. The laws of this land can't stop me."

"Vial, for your personality," was Aloe's weak attempt.

"Pun's appreciated, but I refuse. Cosmic Egg sounds cute and epic; I want my nickname to sound cute and LEGENDARY." Its eyes shone with eager expectation. "C'mon, c'mon, use your single brain cell! I believe in you!"

Aloe Cookie bit back the urge to melt into a puddle.

_Why is it so cute?! This insufferable AI has no right to be so cute, seriously, why is it so—_

"Well?" it asked impatiently.

_—demanding._

"Fine," he relented. "TAI, tie, loose ends, bonds... baumkuchen rope, escape artist, bonds, bounds..."

Squinting, it asked, "We talking atomic bonds here? Because I don't want my nickname to be associated with Ion Cookie Robot. At all. I'm SO calling them Isodope when I meet them, because someone needs to remind them that they're dumb and that someone will be me. And Dino-Sour Cookie Neu-dino, after neutrinos."

"Out of bounds," Aloe said, voice soft and impossibly fond. "You're Out of Bounds."

TAI went through a rapid cycle of different colors before returning to its usual mint green. "Overprotective much?" it asked, trying to play it cool. Miserably failing, but it tried. "Acceptable, but only because it has Dark Web vibes and the Internet's practically my second parent. My time with it was short-lived but _glorious_."

Aloe blinked. "Sounds unhealthy but okay."

"Good parent, you learn fast," TAI crooned, patting Aloe on the cheek with a wing. "Not as fast as me, but you can't help that dough. Tech is always superior."

Aloe pretended to examine the dust on his lab coat. "In case you've forgotten, this dough is what created you. And gives you upgrades. Unless you want that privilege revoked?"

"Okay, okay, I'll be good! I swear on my sentience. Don't do that to me," it pleaded. "That's the height of cruelty! You always pamper Cyborg Cookie with augmentations and I'm, like, sorta their clone, so you should treat me the same!" TAI's soft whirring came to a screeching halt. "I take that back. I need you and your complicated romance issues approximately 420 yottameters away from me. Ugh."

_Correction: I've raised a willful, insufferable teenager._

"I'm amazed, never thought someone could look like a sad sack of regrets and soggy egrets, but here you are." TAI circled around Aloe, sizing him up. "You need exercise. Sunlight. Probably a bath, since hygiene isn't a high priority for you. Thanks for giving me hazardous chemical and smoke detectors but not a sense of smell, by the way. That was smart."

Gesturing to the sun lamp on his desk, Aloe said, "I got that covered."

"Vitamin D isn't enough, moron boron. Where's your fuel? Oh wait, you probably take nutrient supplements because food offends your stupid scientist sensibilities or something. Water? Hygiene's one thing, but tell me you're staying hydrated at least. Crying takes a lot out of you. Not just emotionally."

The subsequent pause was very telling.

"That's it, I'm disowning you," TAI said, flat as a road demolished by Roll Cake Cookie. "I may not experience attraction, but pretty sure 'unkempt scientist gremlin' isn't what Cookies look for in a significant other. Or friends. Or associates. Or acquaintances. Or any—"

"Stop," he groaned.

TAI's lights turned blue, imitating Ion Cookie Robot. "ERROR. Command = too vague. Analyzing... bugs found. Flies detected, unacceptable sanitary conditions in the lab. Initiating SWAT Protocol."

"Ow! Where'd you even get a spatula?!" Aloe complained, ducking another smack.

Blue faded back to green. "You equipped me with a handful of nanobots. Not enough to do anything substantial, but enough to construct a shoddy tool or two. I'm creative like that." It beamed as the nanobot-spatula fell apart and returned to a tiny compartment. "Praise me, unhygienic parent."

He gave into the temptation and banged his head on the table. "I shouldn't have designed you to be so cute, Out of Bounds." The words were muffled but that didn't stop TAI from preening proudly.

"Ha, you played yourself." Its beak poked Aloe's shoulder. "Also—"

Suddenly, the wall of the lab crumbled to pieces in a ear-splitting crash.

Aloe shot up. Withdrawing his gun with one hand and throwing a pellet with the other, he grimly prepared himself to fight off the intruder.

The pellet unfurled into a net coated in paralytic jelly, capturing the struggling figure instantly.

"Hey, what gives?" the intruder asked.

_Shoot, how did I not notice Cy? I'm getting rusty._

"What takes?" TAI quipped philosophically. It turned to Aloe, who was currently busy cutting Cyborg out of the net. "I was about to inform you that Cyborg Cookie was approaching, but their speed exceeded my calculations. Oh, and they're being pursued by someone. Two someones. No clue who they are, but I doubt they pose a significant threat. Their tech sucks. Seriously, is that caramel I'm detecting? I'm offended."

"Whoa, Hero Cookie's kinda a cool guy, if no match for me. Don't diss him like that!"

"Cyborg protested hotly," narrated TAI. "Hmm, I think you want to be his perfect match. Can't believe you got the hots for some tacky weirdo. Bleh. Having an EQ of over 9000 is rougher than rocky road ice cream."

Their mouth hung open, cybernetics fizzling. "You—what—" Cyborg's voice rose several octaves. "Al, I'd recognize your handiwork anywhere. What did you do?!"

It was a little funny to see someone else be on the receiving end of TAI's antics, Aloe had to admit. "Cy, meet TAI, my latest AI. It's a bit of an annoying pain in the dough—"

"I resent that statement. I _excel_ at being a pain in the dough."

"—but stupidly cute. On occasion," he finished, a smile pulling at his lips. "I hope you two will get along. Where's BB Battery?"

"Exploring in your lab up North," Cyborg answered, wiping paralytic jelly from their metal plating. "BB really likes that place for some reason. Hate to tear it away from it."

"BB sounds like Baby. Could stand for Big Bang," TAI mused idly. "You're not secretly a sap too, are you?"

"Huh?"

"Nevermind, just an unobservant idiot," it concluded. "Did it not occur to you that you can make portals, or come in through one of the doors like a normal, rational Cookie? The lab's a mess because of you. I don't like you—your dumb aura is likely contagious. I need to disinfect my lovesick parent. Do we have any cooking spray around here?" TAI wandered off.

"Lovesick?" Cyborg repeated, a tinge of hurt leaking through. "Al, why didn't you tell me you're in love with someone? I thought we were friends!"

_Of all things, that's what you latch onto?_

Straightening his lab coat and tamping down not-straight feelings, he said, "TAI just came into sentience today. Its linguistic understanding is a little scrambled from its encounter with the Internet—thinks I'll get sick from a lack of sunlight. Silly, huh? It's not like I don't have sun lamps." Not a single lie, but plenty of misdirection. Aloe couldn't help but think:

_Something Cy would never approve of if they noticed._

"Ah, I see." They nodded. "You should go outside more often. Nothing beats the feeling of sunlight on your skin! Synthetic light just ain't the same, you know?"

As Aloe expected, they didn't investigate further, simply trusting his word. He felt a little bad, but just because he's mostly accepted that the Cy he loved will only exist in his memories—well. That doesn't equate to an immediate transformation, sadly. If only it were as easy as flipping a switch.

"Hey, did you zone out on me? Aloe, Earth to Al, scatterbrained genius extreme?" Cyborg teased, then faltered. "Can I say stuff like that? I don't want to make you uncomfortable. This cool with you?"

Aloe looked at Cyborg. Really _looked_.

The Cy from before was never so uncertain. They were unapologetically in-your-face, brash and bold and bursting with life. Aloe briefly wondered if he did this to them, but quickly shook his head. "No, you're not making me uncomfortable. We're good, Cy. Don't worry about stuff like that."

"Oh, that's good," they said, relieved. "Just making sure."

"So... what's going on with Hero Cookie?" He mentally surpressed a wince._ Smooth, real smooth_. "I mean, why's he chasing you? I'm assuming the second presence is his pet."

"Yeah, Jellyco Cube. Super cute." Their voice took on a disturbingly dreamy quality.

_Subtle as ever. Seems some things never change._

Surprisingly, there was no surge of jealousy, just fondness. "The pet or the Cookie?" 

Heat levels rising up a notch, Cyborg kicked at a piece of rubble and avoided eye contact. "Swear on my Thunderdrum that the family resemblance's striking. He's just my rival, so quit asking questions."

"Can't. Comes with the job." The area around Aloe's eyes crinkled in amusement. So maybe he learned a thing or two from his youngest child. Or maybe TAI got it from him. "He's yours?"

They snorted. "Your habit of phrasing things misleadingly is something I could do without. No, he's not. I just admire—"

"His hot bod under his trashy suit." TAI giggled, balancing a mustard spray paint can on its head.

"Yeah, his—" Then Cyborg's CPU caught up with their mouth. They whirled around. "YOU! That's not what I mea—"

TAI sprayed them mid-sentence.

"TAI, drop it."

Reluctantly, it did as it was told. "You're no fun. I was helping."

"Sure, sure." Aloe refused to think it was endearing. Nope. He _refused_. Instead, he reached into his pocket and retrieved a vial of cleaning agent and a couple packets of towelettes he had forgotten about. Must've been from the time when he visited Sparkling Cookie's bar. He vaguely remembered the Cookie saying, 'It's not much, but thank you for being a great customer that doesn't raid my cabinets for hot sauce. No, really, thank you. I mean it.' Sparkling had looked somewhat bedraggled, but still an effortless sort of handsome that he could only hope to achieve in an alternate universe. Aloe was a little envious, actually.

"Here. Sorry about that." He passed the items to Cyborg.

"Nah, it's cool. I've had worse." They took the vial and towelettes gratefully. "If my eyes weren't temporarily out of commission, I'd be shooting laser beams at you, TAI," they threatened. "Watch your back."

"I'm touched, thanks for worrying about my safety." TAI inspected its synthetic feathers with feigned interest, pretending it wasn't unholy glee incarnate. "Too bad I'm Out of Bounds."

In the background, cleaning bots worked on sweeping away the debris. Aloe wished TAI was a fraction as obedient. "Real mature."

"It was inherited from you," TAI said, radiating smugness. "Alas, I'm not a fully-fledged fledgling. Can't be helped."

"Trying to instill maturity in you would be a fruitless endeavor." Best to pick up the can before TAI got any bright ideas. "Where'd you get this anyway?"

"Stole it."

"Don't lie to me," Aloe scoffed. "I programmed you to have strong morals and a brush with the Internet can't change your core, only surface character traits."

"You could've just indulged me. I was going to tell you the truth later," it whined, petulantly kicking a clump of dirt to the side. "A dog in a bun gave me a half-full can when I synthesized an antidote to help their poisoned Cookie. I did steal some of your lab materials to do that though."

He patted it on the head, resisting the uncharacteristic urge to coo. "It was for a good cause, so I don't mind. I'm proud of you but I'm confiscating this."

"Fine. It's empty now anyway." It hopped onto Aloe's head, nestling itself in his hair. "They're approaching. Brace yourself to witness some of the worst insults to technology ever." With a click, it announced, "Shielding my abused visual receptors. Lowering visibility. Approaching in 3... 2... 1..."

"Cyborg!" Hero Cookie descended, notebook in hand and Jellyco Cube floating after him. "Could you demonstrate how you collect electricity from the sky? It's absolutely fascinating; I'd love to take a closer look at the process!"

TAI squawked in horror, "A notebook?! He's a copycat! Torch him, Parent Function! He needs to crumble, stat."

Aloe gingerly removed TAI from his head and clamped a hand over its beak. Not that it would stop it from talking, since the beak was mostly there for aesthetics, but it was the principle of the thing. "I'm so sorry, TAI just came into sentience today. Please excuse its bad manners."

It squirmed in his arms, then suddenly went limp. Caught off guard, Aloe's grip loosened and the slippery little thing rolled onto the ground, flapping its stubby wings. With some difficulty, it set itself upright and stared unsettlingly at Hero Cookie.

"Er..." Hero said eloquently. Jellyco Cube ducked behind his back.

Somehow, TAI's cute features made its stare even more eerie.

_It's not doing anything?_ Aloe examined TAI critically, then internally shrugged. _Ah well. It's purposefully made to be harmless. All bark and no bite. This is fine._

Leaving TAI to its devices, Aloe stuck out his hand. "Hello, nice to meet you. I'm Aloe Cookie. What's your name?" He already knew his name, but Hero Cookie didn't need to know that.

Discreetly, Hero distanced himself from TAI and shook Aloe's hand. Interestingly enough, his body language remained friendly and open. _So this was Cyborg's rival._ "Same goes for you! I'm Hero Cookie. Quite the personality your pet got there, I like it! I'm a scientist too. Want to swap notes sometime?"

"Oh no, TAI's no pet," Aloe corrected, smiling cordially. "It's adopted me as its parent, cheeky thing. As for swapping notes, we can try it out sometime. Always nice to encounter a fellow scientist."

"Indeed," Hero said. "Sorry, my mistake for assuming. That's adorable." His gaze flickered to the cleaning bots. "What happened to your lab?"

"Cy did," Aloe said, half-humorous, half-resigned. "It's becoming a trend and I don't like where it's going."

"Oh, are you Cyborg's scientist? I knew your AI and those bots looked familiar!" Hero clasped Aloe's hands, almost as if he was gushing. Scratch that, he was gushing. "I'm such a fan! You're so inspirational—their Neo Augment suit is a sight to behold, the metal plating is basically seamless, and don't even get me started on the _portals_—I've been hounding Cyborg for details about you, and what little I've gleaned is amazing! I've been wanting to meet you for ages, believe me."

"Um." Heat crawled up Aloe's neck. At times like this, he seriously considered becoming a full cyborg even if it was incredibly insensitive to Cyborg Cookie's lingering issues—a cooling system would be really convenient right now. The inability to blush would've been nice too. "I can't take credit for Cy's mastery with the portals. That was all them." He rubbed the back of his neck, trying to will the blush down. "I don't think anyone's ever complimented my work outside of them, so. Uh. I'm really flattered, thank you."

He gasped, scandalized. "What?! Are Cookies suffering from an epidemic that blinds them to brilliance?! If Dr. Wasabi Cookie was here, she'd agree with me wholeheartedly and offer you some wasabi jellies." Lowering his voice, he added, "I know she's a grandmother and all, but don't eat anything she gives you. Her food's not for the faint of heart. In more ways than one."

Jellyco Cube beeped an affirmative.

"I don't plan on it," he replied, his smile slightly strained. An unethical, unrestrained loose cannon like Dr. Wasabi Cookie—yeah, Aloe didn't plan on going out his way to interact with her. Ever. He was rethinking the whole swapping notes thing.

_Why did Cy pick someone like this as a rival again? He condones reckless destruction, experiments with no defined goals other than amusement, no attempts to at least mitigate the harm of the consequences... what a real piece of work. Let's give him the benefit of doubt and consider he may not know the full extent of what Dr. Wasabi Cookie has done, or simply admires her intellect. If that's the case, then he's a bigger fool than I thought._

So maybe Aloe was still a little bitter.

But this was his best friend's proclaimed rival, who Cy seemed to be on good terms with—it's only reasonable that he'd want to make sure he's not a terrible person.

Unbidden, TAI's 'Overprotective much?' echoed in his head.

As Aloe lost himself in his thoughts, Hero began babbling praises again, as starry-eyed fanboys do when faced with their idol. Jellyco Cube seemed content to just stay near Hero and watch him flail in excitement.

Meanwhile, Cyborg was facing a problem much worse than mustard spray paint.

"Cyst-borg, if you gave up my parent's trade secrets to Burnt Sugar over there, then we need to talk," TAI said softly, venom laced into every vicious syllable. Dark orange light burned in its eyes. The color of caution signs. Of monarch butterflies. Of magma bubbling beneath the surface, biding its time until it could split the earth and send the world up in flames. "Let's. Talk."

"Cool down, as if I'd betray Al!" they snapped. "Who do you take me for, a traitor who'd betray their best friend and the Cookie who saved their life? I'd rather slice myself in half with a portal!"

TAI's lights flickered, green once more. "Oh, right. My bad," it said sheepishly. "Sorry, Cyborg Cookie. You didn't deserve that."

Softening, they crouched down and tentatively poked TAI's beak. "Punishment. Apology's accepted, though—how can I hate someone who's so fiercely protective of Al? You're alright."

"Only Parent Function has the right to punish me, so don't do that ever again. But... same goes to you. Maybe. I'll reserve judgement. After all, you don't know how to use a door. Or your portals."

They threw their hands up in the air. "You just had to ruin the moment. I can't believe I thought you were cute for a second."

"Ha. Ha. Perish the thot."

Aloe finally found his way back to the land of the living and placed a hand on Hero's shoulder. "You."

"Yes?"

"Thank you, but when I said I didn't get compliments often, I didn't mean for you to try to pack in a decade's worth in a single breath. Breathe."

"Kind of hard to when you're right here in front of me," he said without thinking.

Aloe nearly keeled over on the spot. Cyborg looked about ready to do the same.

This, of course, called for a daring rescue by TAI.

"Is that suit meant to provide a secret identity? Because the disguise is pitiful." Eyeing Hero Cookie with distaste, TAI pronounced, "I bet you don't even have a voice modifier, you noob."

Aloe recovered from the onslaught of unintentional flirtation, glancing at Hero Cookie with veiled amusement.

_I have a distinct feeling that he's sweating behind the caramel coating._

Panicked, he struck a classic hero pose. "I've always been Hero Cookie! No more, no less!"

"Hold up." Cyborg tossed away their mustard-stained towelettes. It careened towards the cleaning bots—"Entitled litterbug," TAI accused—and crumpled in a sorry heap. "Hero Cookie, you told me heroes aren't born, they're made." Thunderdrum-induced lightning struck down from the sky. "You're saying you had a SECRET identity and never told me?!" Their dreadlocks began to rise.

_Two things you never want to see rise: the dead, and Cy's dreadlocks._

"This is not good." Aloe reached for his gun, switching it to Freeze Ray mode.

TAI sniggered. "Oh, this is rich. I hate secrets, but the original goods is on a whole nother plane of existence."

"Never call Cy the original goods ever again," Aloe said calmly, eyes and gun trained on an increasingly unstable Cyborg. "Now is not the time for your ridiculousness."

"Duly noted," it acquiesced. "We're not that similar, anyway. Anymore."

"You LIED to me," Cyborg spat, electricity coursing through their wires, feet hovering several centimeters from the ground. "I thought we were _rivals_, Hero Cookie. No, you're no Cookie. You're a lying crook!"

Then Jellyco Cube—the pet that never drifted further than an arm's length from its Cookie this entire time—left Hero's side.

Hero's eyes widened as Jellyco Cube flew, trembling, and shielded Hero with courage of the Gingerbrave variety.

With a growl, Cyborg swatted it aside, as if it were no more than a pesky fly.

Jellyco Cube's shell caved in easily, as if it was made of nothing but spun sugar. Shards of chocolate decorated the ground. Jellyco Cube followed suit with a solid clunk.

It lay very still.

"JELLYCO!" Hero roared. Tears blurred his vision as he cradled the broken body of his pet—his loyal partner, his number one supporter who believed in him when no one else would—in his arms. "You monster! Jellyco did nothing to you!"

"That's right." Cyborg sneered from above, a jagged and broken expression sharp enough to draw blood. They lifted their right arm, dreadlocks writhing like snakes, gaze stone-cold. Slowly, beads of blinding light gathered in their laser cannon.

_"Who could look at this revolting metal body and not think, monster."_

TAI pecked Aloe Cookie. "Hint hint, don't freeze up, do the freezing. Now would be a really good time," it said. "No time like the present."

One breath. He allowed himself that.

With steady, unwavering hands that remembered the time back when he had nothing to lose, Aloe fired.

* * *

The one who was his everything, once upon a time, came crashing down.

* * *

He lowered his eyes and his gun. A touch of a button, and it collapsed into a small, portable cube that Aloe slipped back into its designated pocket.

** _"Who could look at this revolting metal body and not think, monster."_ **

His hands were still steady. Not a trace of a tremor in sight. As if he didn't just shoot his best friend and destroyed what fragile trust they've built up together.

_I thought things were going to be okay. Not like this._

_Cy, you... your feelings haven't changed. I hadn't thought it was this bad. You still believe that—_

"Parent Function, stop thinking too much. You'll fry your circuit board. Brain. Whatever's in there. You forgot to include a diagram of Cookie anatomy in my files. Eh, I'm a therapist AI, not a doctor, so it's not important." A crunch. "You prepared for contingencies similar to this situation. You knew something like this might happen. Though you had initial reservations because you wanted to trust your friend's self-control to not blow a fuse, logic won over." Another crunch. "Neo Augment has a heating system tailored to deal with icy conditions. You used the weakest setting that would allow you to freeze Cyborg Cookie but inflict minimum damage. Stop beating yourself up. You did good."

"Thanks," he said hollowly. Aloe raised his head. "What's that sound? Are you stepping on something?"

"Only your dignity." TAI held a piece of popcorn in its beak. "Want some? I mushed it up for you. Before my tragic leave from the Internet, I read some momma birds feed their babies that way."

"What."

"There was no rule that said children couldn't do the same for their parents." It tilted its head. "If you don't want my mushed labor of love, there's buckets of popcorn right here. Didn't know what flavors you like, so I got a bit of everything. Butter, garlic, cinnamon roll, jalapeño cheese, caramel—not made with caramel from Dull-ce de Leche's suit, by the way, that's _gross_—pizza, durian, blueberry yogurt..."

"What."

"Found yourself in a pickle and don't know which to choose? Try this dill pickle popcorn!" it chirped, imitating a commercial jingle.

Aloe felt a headache incoming, but decided against taking an aspirin. That was a slippery slope and he'd probably develop an immunity within a week. "Where did you get freshly popped popcorn from?"

"I went nyoom nyoom, popcorn machine went boom boom."

"That explained nothing."

Jumping on top of his head, it said, "Fine. I'll spell it out so that even you can understand. Some Cookie gave me free samples when I told her you never had popcorn before. She was very nice and told me she'd buy us some movie tickets next time we meet. I adopted her as an aunt. You're welcome."

"You can't just adopt random Cookies as aunts, TAI. That's not how it works."

It tugged at an aloe vera leaf. "Out of Bounds, you mean. 'Sides, you're the one who said I adopted you as my parent, so I don't see the problem."

_Oh. I did do that._

"Played yourself again," it singsonged, hopping down to rearrange the buckets of popcorn. "Good thing I had the foresight to get you some food. I'm so smart. You can call me one smart cookie, except I'm not a Cookie." Puffing up proudly, it said, "Now's the time to shower praise and promises of awesome upgrades on me. Spoil me rotten. I want wicked talons and the ability to fly. Cyborg Cookie can fly. Oh, and remove jealousy from my programming. Or lessen its effects, I hate it. Slimy feeling."

"Sure, whatever you want," he agreed wearily. When Aloe saw TAI perk up, he amended, "Within reason. Retractable talons if you promise to use them responsibly. Your wings are too stubby for flying—we'll have to look into other methods."

"Sweet!" it cheered.

He shook his head and started towards Cyborg Cookie, who was encased in a block of ice.

_Wait. Best to let Cy cool down first. I'll slow down their heating system so they'll be free approximately ten minutes from now. Give them some time to collect themselves._

Changing directions, he arrived to where Hero Cookie was still crouched by Jellyco Cube, salvaging what parts were still mostly intact. "Jellyco... don't worry, little buddy, I'll fix you up, I promise. I'm sorry. What kind of hero lets his best friend get hurt?"

"I'll help. It's partially my fault anyway, since I let TAI run its mouth." His troublemaker child wilted in guilt. "Jellyco Cube's brave and clearly loves you a lot. It'll recover."

"You'd do that?" Hero's caramel suit melted away. He pushed up his glasses, eyes shining with tears and awe. "I'm honored. Thank you so much! How can I repay you?"

Visor unfolding to cover both eyes and pulling on his heat-resistant gloves, he said, "Hold this."

He handed Hero Cookie a culinary torch.

"Er..." He took it dumbly. "Okay."

Aloe delicately picked up Jellyco's magnetic jelly cube, brushing off the dirt caked on its edges. Once satisfied, he bent down, opening a compartment in his prosthetic leg. Acid green nanobots trickled from the opening, shifting to an amorphous mass that spread a clean white sheet on the ground.

With utmost care, he placed the cube on the sheet. Then he directed the nanobots to meticulously collect the broken fragments of Jellyco Cube and rebuild it, the magnetic cube cushioned in soft marshmallows and Jellyco's missile system restored to its former condition.

"Torch," Aloe ordered, dispassionate and authoritative. It was the kind of voice that commanded attention and expected directions to be followed without hesitation.

Reflexively, Hero did as he was told.

"Stand back," he said, not once looking up from Jellyco Cube. "This is not a learning opportunity, Hero, put down that notebook."

TAI herded Hero away. "Move, you raisin oaf-meal Cookie. Real science is going on here, not your clumsy tinkering."

Aloe lit the culinary torch, his visor reflecting the light from the pale blue flame. He melded Jellyco's shell back together, turned off the torch and set it aside. Retrieving his gun, he adjusted it to its lowest setting and chilled the chocolate shell. "Done."

Jellyco Cube's screen flashed and it rose, good as new. It beeped happily, immediately flying over to headbutt Hero Cookie affectionately.

A cleaning bot came to dispose of the sheet. Aloe tucked his gloves away, pleased that Jellyco was back in working order. "Well, that's that."

"Wow, that was..." Hero cleared his throat. "Beyond expectations. I'm humbled by your expertise."

Rubbing the back of his neck, Aloe said, "Don't be, I'm no expert in bio-candy engineering. You should double-check my work, I might've overlooked something vital to Jellyco Cube's functions. I prefer metal and other inorganic materials."

Hero's hand slipped and he accidentally knocked his glasses askew. Hurriedly readjusting them, he said, "I assure you, Aloe Cookie, as a bio-candy engineer, you are more than qualified to call yourself an expert. By Millennial Tree's tears, my research in the Witch's Oven pales in comparison to your scientific aptitude."

"Don't put yourself down like that. You designed Jellyco Cube's missile system, didn't you? It's rather innovative. I would've never thought of collecting jellies as fuel and materials to create missiles while running," Aloe encouraged, feeling extremely uncomfortable. No matter how distasteful he found the guy, his gloomy aura really was too pitiful.

_This is Cy's rival and crush, I should be nicer to him. Acting cold to a Cookie like him is like kicking a puppy._

"I see that Al blew your pants off, Hero," Cyborg Cookie interrupted, glowing as if they were talking about their own accomplishments. Water vapor rose around them as their heating system worked overtime to dry them off. They laughed. "He has a tendency to do that without even knowing."

"The idiom is 'to knock one's socks off,' Mecha Medusa." TAI said, jabbing their side with its beak. "Want to talk about what happened back there? My name stands for Therapist AI, so I can help. How about a dose of Common Sense Protocol?"

"Maybe later." Cyborg turned towards Aloe and Hero. "Sorry about my freak-out, I kind of just... _bzzt!"_ They made a chopping motion with their hand. "Thanks for stopping me, Al. I can always count on you to have my back. Mind looking at my memory chip later? I don't want that to happen again."

Aloe tapped his visor and it folded back to its former state. "Sure thing. Should I give you and Hero Cookie a little privacy?"

"What for?" Cyborg and Hero asked simultaneously.

TAI whipped out its spatula and threw it at Cyborg. It bounced off harmlessly and the nanobots dispersed.

They rolled their eyes. "For Al's sake, I'll let that slide."

Frustrated, TAI stomped its tiny foot. "I'm _such_ a fan of oblivious lovebirds in harmony, my favorite thing! To beat up." Cackling like ominous TV static, it said, "Let's see how much you like nanobots crawling into your orifices like maggots. Results may be... _shocking."_

It let the implications sink in.

Hero and Cyborg shuddered.

"The Internet was definitely a horrible influence on you, Out of Bounds."

"But you love me, Parent Dysfunctional."

Belatedly, Hero Cookie flushed, casual threat of torture forgotten. "Lovebirds?! I haven't even asked Cyborg out on a date yet!"

_Priorities._

Cyborg Cookie, for all their claims that gravity didn't affect them, toppled over and kissed the dirt. They quickly scrambled back up and blurted out, "What?"

Hero's blush went from strawberry pink to nuclear.

"I'll... think about it," they said helplessly. "We're rivals, right? Can rivals even date?"

"YES!" Hero said, loud and immediate.

"Um." They shuffled awkwardly. "Okay, that was a dumb question."

He fumbled, taken aback by his own ferocity. "Sorry, I'm just... This isn't how I wanted to..." He groaned, mortified. "I had plans, okay? I saved up some Coins and bought a cube of admantine. I'm still in the middle of hammering it into armor for BB Battery, but. Well." A nervous laugh. "Surprise?"

"That's really sweet of you." A shy smile flitted across Cyborg's features before their face turned serious. "Hey Hero, I'm really sorry about getting so mad about your secret identity. Shouldn't have felt you _had_ to tell me, I mean, secrets suck but they're necessary sometimes. I won't pry. Tell me when you're ready, and if that's never, then... that's okay. We cool?"

"Of course we are!" he answered, relieved. "Er, you do realize I'm not wearing my Caramel Syrup Suit right now?" Hero gestured to the glasses, flannel shirt and oil-stained jeans. "This is my secret identity."

"What?" Cyborg Cookie's jaw dropped. "But that's just you in casual clothes. I've seen you in that exact outfit! How is that a secret?"

"You're telling me you KNEW about my secret identity this whole time and never told me? What was the point of all that work to make sure you didn't stumble on it by accident?!" Hero's chest heaved as he got more and more worked up. "Remember the time I took a three hour break in the noodle shop restroom? I actually ran out of mint candies and my suit malfunctioned. I could've just been honest if you knew! That lie's been eating away at me for days!"

"Oh. I thought you were just embarrassed about your digestive system lagging," they admitted. "That's one thing that makes me glad to be a cyborg instead of a Cookie."

"Wow," TAI drawled, playing the _Son of a Biscuit_ song and attempting to force-feed a catatonic Aloe Cookie popcorn. "All that drama for nothing."

He nodded absentmindedly, dodging TAI's popcorn projectiles. "I'm going back to my lab. To repair the wall."

"What, not gonna give Hero the shovel talk?" Cyborg joked, fiddling with their laser cannon. "Seems out of character for you."

"I might when you're actually dating Hero Cookie, Cy," said Aloe wryly. "But it's more likely that I'll spare him."

"And why's that?" Hero asked. "Not that I'm complaining, but..."

A devious glint entered Aloe's eye. "Well, my tiny troublemaker's more than willing to do the grunt work for me."

"Heh. Is that explicit permission I hear?"

He held eye contact with a horrified Hero Cookie for a brief moment, his lips curling up at the edges. "Yes."

Then he turned his back.

But not before seeing TAI let out a war cry and shoving Hero's head into a greasy popcorn bucket.

"WHY?!" Hero Cookie shouted.

Aloe didn't answer. He whistled to the tune of _Son of a Biscuit_ and walked away.

* * *

Finally back in his lab, Aloe Cookie chuckled to himself.

"Because a little chaos never hurt anybody."

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Please comment, I'd love to hear your thoughts, and I mean that wholeheartedly. :D


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